One Memory, Two Emotions

It is interesting when one memory can be great for one person, and terrible for another, though it is still the same moment, same memory. Memories change and we change what we feel about them, maybe because after years we can finally understand what was said, what happened, what we felt. I share one of these with my father - a memory in which he finds joy but all I feel is sadness.

The PlayStation game Crash Bandicoot recently made a re-release when it was remastered. John bought it for me as a gift since I had mentioned to him it was one of the first games I can remember playing. The game itself was released 1996, but since I lived in the northern part of Sweden, I can only assume we bought it a few years later when it eventually reached our region of the world. Maybe I was six or seven years old?

I have vague memories from that time, but when starting the game just a few weeks ago the memories came back. The first course in the first game was just as I remembered. There was a place where eight crates blocked the road and I remember playing that as a kid and loving that location. For what reason is lost in my mind. The first course was a fantastic trip down memory-lane and I could not stop smiling! Then I headed on to the next course and did not recognise it at all. Then the next and it too was unfamiliar. I kept playing the game and here and there I remembered a small part of the game from my past, but never a full course. I could not remember having played most of the first game at all.

This is where one memory has two emotions. Asking my father about this he laughs and remembers playing it with my sister, being almost addicted and being frantic about completing the game. His memory is happy, full of shared joy with one of his daughters. A memory to cherish no less.

For me it is sad because I now remember being excluded. After trying the first course over and over again, dying before making it to the end, both sister and father lost patience with young Ellie and took over. They never let her play and she lost interest in sitting next to the only one allowed to play - my sister. This is why most of the courses are completely unknown to me. This is why I can remember the first course so vividly, since I played it many times and only that one. I was being bullied by my family.

I find this interesting. A few years ago when my father would talk about this moment I found it strange that he talked about it to me. I could not remember the moments he talked about, because I had not been there. Yet he talked about it as if he had not noticed my absence.

Now when I am playing the game it is new and exciting. I finally get to take back something from my childhood that I was unfairly robbed of! I have yet to play the second and third game, but I did enjoy the first game fully. Thank you, Activision, for making it possible!