Speaking of loneliness, I lay in bed last night thinking about sounds. I hallucinate sounds. I hear things that are not really happening. I know why. My left inner ear is broken, it can not hear the low bass sounds. Especially annoying when I am speaking to men, some of their words I just can not make out. Usually when I am in bed and laying on one side (the good ear down in the pillow) I can hear things. Sometimes I sit right up in bed after definitely hearing a glass crash or a knock on the door. My sudden movement wakes John and I ask him if he heard what I heard. Every time he says no. That is when I start to wonder if he was so deep in sleep he could not have heard it or if I am hallucinating again. The sounds can be really convincing. They can be so loud that I have to leave the bed to go see if what I heard actually happened, or they can be soft and I can understand that I am not really hearing it.
I remember the first time it happened. Maybe it had happened before without me knowing it but the first time I actually hallucinated a sound and was aware of it was when I was thirteen/fourteen. I sat in the living-room, watching a series on the TV and the intro started. In the middle of the catchy song my mother made a noise to call the cats to come eat. The round lips and sucking in air sound. If you do not have cats, this might be a sound you have never heard. After that, every time I heard that catchy intro-song I could hear that sound at the precise moment it happened. The first three times or so I thought mother was doing it in the kitchen, but when she was not home and the sound kept appearing in the song I knew something was strange. I remember telling my parents about it, almost bragging because I thought it was cool that I could hear that sound. They did not pick up on anything being wrong.
When it became clear that something was wrong with my ear my mother took me to the hospital. I can only remember sitting in a small, claustrophobic room with an uncomfortable headset stuck on my head; one part not on the ear at all but behind and pressing against the bone. It was painful every time. They explained my situation and started speculating about what it was. Either I had had too many inflammations from water or my stirrup-bone had grown into and merged another bone. Both seemed exiting to me and I looked forward to find out what it was. A doctor told me I could get a prosthetic stirrup-bone! I could not even begin to imagine the operation. Unfortunately nothing happened. The hospital was supposed to call my parents and schedule something, but they never called. The whole fix-my-ear was put aside for a time.
When I was sixteen I got a hearing device. This was during my first year in high school and everyone had a computer. I only wore that device for three days. I had gotten used to my ear and hearing the tapping of keys like it was inside my head was too distracting. I could not do it. I gave it back to the hospital, feeling a little guilty for taking up their time to help with my hearing and not be willing to try it out for a longer period.
I have not been trying to fix it since then. Maybe I was hoping it was going to fix itself. By now I am so used to it I find myself not wanting to fix it. I know I could go deeper into finding out the real problem and probably find a solution, but honestly I am kind of pleased with it. Imagine going to bed and there is noise all around you. Normal people have to find earbuds, put a pillow over the head or listen to it until it stops to be able to sleep. Me? I just have to turn around!
Red is right, blue is left.
Right ear is perfectly normal.
Left is normal, but left inner-ear is not.
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