Uncomfortably Confident

I am having trouble with my clothes. They do not feel like me. I have not found my style yet and I am ever so confused to what I enjoy wearing. I want something that makes me feel unstoppable instead of just comfortable. When I was in my teens I wore tunic and cosy sweaters over simple tank tops. I grew out of that style around fifteen years old.

Then I started wearing a lot more jeans and colourful shirts. I had heavier make up and collected more and more jewellery. I liked the looks - I fitted in with everybody else. I did not stand out but neither did I blend in. I felt like I had chosen the clothes that made me acceptable. Most of the times I did not feel comfortable. The jackets were small and the jeans too tight. The year 2011, when I was seventeen, I got pneumonia. Probably because I walked around in a thin shirt under a fake leather jacket in minus twenty degrees Celsius, but hey at least I looked good. I was sick for over a month, spent most of that time in bed and slept sitting up because I had trouble breathing.

After that illness I switched schools and made some new friends. I changed my style and tried to find something I enjoyed wearing. It was a mix of things. This time I started wearing cardigans underneath my leather jackets (at this point I also bought a real leather jacket which I loved). I started wearing a lot more colour, not just on my shirts but my jeans as well. I bought my lovely red woollen bowler hat and experimented a lot with different styles. It was a complicated year. I had a good friends and I enjoyed my strange outfits.

  

When I moved to Stockholm this look stuck around for a while. I wore colours and cosy sweaters, the I fit in style came back with the change of yet another school but this time I mixed it with the me style. Still I was not truly happy with my closet even though some clothes were favourites. I bought new things but nothing felt right.

I met John. I still had my strange style that changed from day to day. It was difficult to pinpoint what I was since it was this huge mix of all my previous styles. I even started wearing his clothes. He made me feel secure and eventually my style became relaxed. I wore large shirts and coloured jeans. I felt good about myself and comfortable in my clothes.

Then something happened. I think it was when my brain realised I had gone from young adult to an actual adult. My clothes did not match my age any longer. I felt like a woman trying to fit in with the teens. A lot of clothes were just hanging in the closet, others were put in a trunk. When we started cleansing our belongings before moving to Singapore we found a lot of clothes just laying there. Neither one of us knew what was actually in there. We gave it all away. We could only bring a small amount of clothes with us and so we packed all the summer clothes we owned. Many which still felt like my teen-style.

I bought a lot of new clothes here in Singapore. The old ones are tucked away at the top of the closet. They feel wrong. I try to buy clothes in a style I have never worn before. Recently I bought my first shirt with holes over the shoulders. Another shirt is my first to not stay on the shoulders at all but hang in a straight line across the chest. I do not buy a lot of things, just small things here and there. Yet I can not say that I have found my style. I have lost my interesting shirts with strange prints, I no longer have any bright coloured jeans, just the safe, desaturated ones. I have a black skirt I wear sometimes, but the other two skirts I own has never seen the light of day (or night since they look more to be evening outfits). I feel like the clothing industry has nothing to offer me. I can not find anything that truly says Ellie at age twenty two being at a good place in life. Not many things makes me feel like I am wearing what represents me. Some do, and those I like and wear a lot, but others just reminds me of someone I used to be. I have changed and so has my style, but I have very few clothes that can match my personality.